No Cow Level?!

he other day as I was happily skinning raptors in the Wetlands I found myself remembering an adventure of a different kind. It was years ago when I was still new at this 'gaming thing' when I found out that when I combined a magical "Horadric Cube" with my Tome of Town Portals and the fake leg of a young scamp named Wirt (he didn't need it, honest!), that a magical red portal appeared before me. Being the daring type, I of course leapt through the portal and found myself confronted with dozens upon dozens of Mad Cows wielding very large scythes all bleating "Mooo!" rather demonically. Well I had no choice but to defend myself, and defend myself I did. I slaughtered the buggers! I gained goods, gear, and gold galore! I ran out of space to carry all of the glorious booty and ultimately had to return to the 'real world'. Never again could I make that portal appear.

Since the creators of that world also created this wonderful World of Warcraft, I found myself wondering where the 'Cow Level' was in Azeroth. I asked everywhere. I searched. I googled. Nothing. No one knew of any mysterious 'Cow Level'. How could this be? All the secrets of Azeroth had long since been discovered. How could this have been missed? Where's the beef?! I had to find out.

Fortunately, being a rather accomplished young rogue Gnome, I was not unequipped to do a little digging. The logical location to start: Blizzard Headquarters itself. I started my investigation by procuring a way inside the heavily fortified fortification by a fashion of finesse and forethought. Fine, fine, a small group of Gnomes came by just then for their shift as vendors in Iron Forge. As they passed my location in the bushes, I slipped from my hiding place and joined them. But it worked!

I was in. In the Belly of the Beast! The Hallowed Halls of the Heroes of Hobby! The. well, you get the picture. I was in Blizzard HQ. Everywhere I turned in the vast halls of the building there were toons going here and there and everywhere. Some were going on-shift, some coming off. No one would suspect me. I went to the best place to find confidential information in any large corporate office: the coffee room.

As I quietly sipped my Cappuccino Café Mocha Latte w/Foam (why don't I have THAT recipe in my cooking skill?) I listened intently to the talk around the room. It didn't take long to find who I needed. Someone who would talk. and talk a lot. Well, as soon as I figured out that I don't speak Murloc, I decided to find another source. And there she was: Princess! I just knew SHE would squeal! And after I buttered her up with my witty banter, I was able to milk her for all she knew about the mysterious 'Cow Level'!

It seems that during the initial stages of the design of the World of Warcraft they would often have big group meetings where all the important personas of Blizzard and WoW would congregate and decide on major features of the game. According to Princess, during one such meeting the subject of a 'Cow Level' was discussed. Cairn Bloodhoof became very upset at the mere mention of a 'Cow Level'. He addressed the assembly; "As the leader of the proud and noble race of Tauren that have agreed to be a part of this grand endeavor, I must protest. The rampant slaughter of hundreds of innocent cows is an affront to nature and to the Earth Mother herself".

Of course you can imagine what happened next. Nearly every non-Tauren in the room started giggling and commenting on the history of the Tauren race, and Cairn's own parentage. The other Tauren angrily stomped and snorted and denied any connection between the Tauren race and cows, but nothing could tame the fury of Cairn or make him back down on his protest. He and his followers stampeded from the meeting room in disgust swearing never to return unless all talk of a 'Cow Level' was stopped. Suddenly, Thrall stood up and exclaimed: "My brethren, we should be ashamed. Such treatment of our friends, our allies, is not honorable. We have no beef with them! I shall join Cairn, my brother-in-arms, in his protest. Follow me brothers, if you too value honor!" And with that all the Orcs left the room, and a number of Trolls too. WoW was on the verge of losing the Horde! The steaks were high indeed!

Princess went on to tell me what happened in the tense days that followed. Seems a memo meant for the executives' eyes only was intercepted by one of Thrall's agents. It was from Mike Morhaime, president and co-founder of Blizzard Entertainment. It read: "I'll be damned if I let some overgrown piece of BULL tell me how to make my game! I'll eat him for breakfast!"

Later that same day a 100 year oak tree was forcibly uprooted from Morhaime's front lawn on his estate in Beverly Hills and replanted in his driveway with the words "Eat This" painted on its side.

Shortly thereafter a meeting was held amongst the top decision makers at Blizzard where Morhaime was quoted as saying: "We have studied it from all possible angles and have concluded that a Cow Level would imbalance the game too much. So: NO COW LEVEL IN WoW. Ever!" At which point he turned and stormed out of the room.

Cairn and all who supported him returned to Blizzard the next day. Word is he smiled a lot more than usual and he was sporting a new oaken staff.

So there you have it. Now we all know why there is no Cow Level in WoW. It is for honor. For pride. For nature. Now I'm off to grab a bacon double-cheeseburger, anyone care to join me?